The Mental Load: What It Is and How to Lighten It

Ever found yourself remembering to schedule the pediatrician appointment, restock the toilet paper, and reply to that email—simultaneously—while also cooking dinner? Congratulations, you’re carrying the mental load. This invisible burden, mostly shouldered by women in heterosexual relationships, is a silent thief of time, energy, and mental health. Let’s talk about what the mental load really is, how it impacts your life, and most importantly, how to share it.

What Is the Mental Load?

The mental load is the behind-the-scenes work of managing a household and family life. Unlike physical chores—like doing the dishes or folding laundry—the mental load is the constant planning, remembering, and decision-making that keeps life running smoothly. It’s the mental gymnastics of juggling everyone’s schedules, anticipating needs, and solving problems before they arise.

Think of it as the CEO role of your household, but without the corner office or six-figure salary.

Why Does the Mental Load Matter?

1. It’s Draining

Carrying the mental load means your brain is always "on," even during downtime. This leads to chronic stress, burnout, and feelings of overwhelm.

2. It’s Unequal

In many households, the mental load is disproportionately carried by one person (often the woman). This imbalance can create resentment and strain relationships.

3. It’s Invisible

Because the mental load isn’t tangible, it’s easy for others to underestimate or ignore. That’s why you might hear, “But I do my share of chores!” when the bigger picture goes unnoticed.

How to Recognize the Mental Load

Do you often:

• Remember everyone’s birthdays, appointments, and social commitments?

• Manage the family calendar while also keeping track of who needs new shoes?

• Plan meals, make grocery lists, and know exactly how many snacks are left in the pantry?

  
  

  If so, you’re not just doing chores—you’re carrying the mental load.

The Gendered Nature of the Mental Load

Research consistently shows that women, especially mothers, carry the bulk of the mental load in heterosexual households. This stems from traditional gender roles, where women are expected to be the primary caregivers and household managers—even when working full-time jobs. The result? Women often feel like they’re failing if they can’t "do it all," while men may not even realize there’s an issue.

Sharing the Mental Load

1. Talk About It

The first step in addressing the mental load is acknowledging it. Sit down with your partner and explain what the mental load is, how it affects you, and why sharing it matters.

2. Make the Invisible Visible

Write down every task you manage, from paying bills to scheduling playdates. This helps your partner see the full scope of responsibilities and identify areas they can take over.

3. Divide Tasks, Not Just Chores

Splitting chores is a start, but true equity means sharing the mental labor too. If you plan meals, your partner can track the grocery inventory. If you manage doctor appointments, they can handle school-related paperwork.

4. Let Go of Perfection

Sharing the mental load means relinquishing control over how tasks are done. It’s okay if your partner doesn’t fold towels the “right” way—as long as they’re helping.

Reducing Your Mental Load

1. Automate What You Can

Set up automatic bill payments, grocery delivery, or recurring calendar reminders to take some tasks off your plate.

2. Delegate

If you have older kids, involve them in household responsibilities. Assign age-appropriate tasks like sorting laundry or setting the table.

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Easier said than done, but carving out time for yourself—even if it’s just 10 minutes—can help recharge your mental batteries.

A New Approach to Partnership

Sharing the mental load isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about fostering a more equitable and supportive partnership. By communicating openly, dividing responsibilities, and challenging traditional gender norms, families can create a healthier dynamic where everyone thrives.

The mental load might be invisible, but its impact is very real. Recognizing it, sharing it, and finding ways to lighten it can improve your mental health, strengthen your relationships, and make life feel just a little less overwhelming.

Call or text 614-470-4466, email admin@achievepsychology.org, or visit www.achievepsychology.org for more resources on managing the mental load and achieving balance in your household.

Works Cited

1. Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review.

2. Hartley, R. (2020). The Invisible Workload of Women. Journal of Family Studies.

3. Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (2012). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Penguin Books.

4. Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Atria Books.

5. Pew Research Center. (2021). Gender Roles and Household Labor. Pew Research.

6. Tannen, D. (2001). You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Random House.

7. Treas, J., & Tai, T. (2016). Inequality in the Home: The Role of Chores and Childcare. Sociology Compass.

8. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline. Bantam.

9. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.

10. Maushart, S. (2001). The Mask of Motherhood. Penguin Books.