Why Kids Lie—and What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Do About It

So, your child just swore up and down they didn’t eat the last cookie—while crumbs dance on their lips like confetti.

Before you start prepping your TED Talk on honesty, let’s pause. Lying isn’t always about being sneaky or manipulative. More often, it’s your kid waving a big neon sign that says: “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle this situation.”

Let’s break down why kids lie, what it really means, and how to respond in a way that actually builds trust (instead of shame).

🧠 First Things First: Lying is Developmental

Here’s the big shocker—lying is a normal part of cognitive development. Around age 3 or 4, kids realize that people don’t always know what they know. Welcome to the age of imagination, fibs, and strategic omissions.

It’s not always malicious—it’s often:

• A desire to avoid punishment

• An attempt to please you

• A struggle to process big emotions

• A blurring of fantasy and reality (especially for neurodivergent kids)

🕵️‍♀️ Common Reasons Kids Lie

Let’s decode the behavior before jumping to punishment:

1. Fear of consequences

They’d rather spin a tale than get in trouble. (Same, honestly.)

2. Shame or embarrassment

Kids lie to protect their self-image, especially if they’re sensitive or perfectionistic.

3. Lack of impulse control

For younger kids or kids with ADHD, the lie pops out before their brain even thinks it through.

4. Wishful thinking

Sometimes they’re not lying—they just wish it were true.

5. Testing limits or control

“Can I say this and get away with it?” is a normal part of autonomy-seeking.

✅ What To Do When Your Kid Lies

1. Stay Calm. Like, Really Calm.

If you freak out, they learn that truth = danger. Keep your tone curious, not punitive.

“Hmm, I noticed you said you didn’t spill the juice, but here’s the cup. Can we talk about what happened?”

2. Separate the Behavior from the Child

Say:

“Lying is not okay. "Don't say: "You're a liar.”

We want to correct the action without making it their identity.

3. Praise Honesty—Especially When It’s Hard

Catch them telling the truth and shine a spotlight on it.

“That must’ve been tough to admit. Thank you for being honest with me.”

4. Offer Do-Overs

For younger kids, role-play how to fix it:

“Let’s try that again. Can you tell me what really happened?”

5. Make It Safe to Be Honest

This one’s big. If your child tells the truth and you still come down hard, they’ll think, “Welp, lying would’ve been easier.”

Natural consequences > shame-based punishment. Always.

🚫 What Not to Do

• Don’t yell or humiliate

• Don’t call them a liar (labels stick)

• Don’t interrogate like a true crime podcast host

• Don’t assume bad intent—assume unmet needs

Special Note on Neurodivergent Kids

Children with ADHD, autism, or anxiety may lie for reasons that have nothing to do with “being bad.” Executive dysfunction, literal thinking, and panic can all lead to lying or withholding.

Be gentle. Be curious. Dig deeper.

The Takeaway

Lying doesn’t mean your kid is broken—it means they’re human. And just like walking, talking, or learning to tie their shoes, honesty is a skill.

Your job? Guide, don’t guilt. Teach, don’t trap. Hold them accountable with compassion. 💚

Need help navigating tricky behavior without losing your mind? We’ve got your back.

📞 Call or text: 614-470-4466📧

Email: admin@achievepsychology.org

🌐 Visit: www.achievepsychology.org

Works Cited:

1. Talwar, V., & Crossman, A. (2011). “From little white lies to filthy liars: The evolution of honesty and deception in young children.” Developmental Psychology.

2. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

3. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2022). “When Children Lie: Developmental Stages & Responses.”

4. Greene, R. W. (2016). Raising Human Beings.

5. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2022). Emotional Development in Children.